I feel I got a little too judgmental with the Resolutioners two weeks ago. Even if they don’t stick with it, there is a palpable desire for change. It’s not necessarily the tone I want to encourage on this Substack. Mea culpa.
That said, as predicted, many people dropped away. It’s as predictable as the tides, night following day, the New York Jets ruining their fans’ psychological health, finding your keys after you tore apart your entire house, etc. Attendance has dropped.
Fun fact: The guy who I predicted would stick with it…stuck with it. Score one for the good guys.
I think physical activity is in and of itself medicine and an intoxicant—regardless of what your goals are. Plus, once you’re in a routine, working out feels incredible. And the gym is a place dedicated to that. I go to get high.
And if you are hesitant to check it out, I invite you to go. And in that spirit, I have some thoughts for my fellow nerds and nerdettes:
Remind yourself: The gym is not Phys Ed.
We’re adults. We have jobs, partners, kids, stonks, gray hair, etc. We will never have to do the Presidential Physical Fitness Test EVER again.
The past is the past. This should be obvious, right?
But let me tell you. Middle- and high-school gym did a number on me. The humiliation. Being made to feel like a pathetic waste. The bullying. The looking-the-other-way of the so-called “teachers” when I was being picked upon.
And I know for a fact that I’m not the only one. Studies have shown sedentary behaviour correlated with negative phys ed experiences.
I avoided the gym and exercise because of all the negative baggage. I didn’t want to resurrect those feelings of shame and helplessness. It took some mental work to help erase those thoughts.
Most of the gym teachers I had came straight from Central Casting. You don’t see these people at the gym. If some of them tried to run a mile, they’d end up barfing their lungs upon the floor. “Run faster! Run faster!” says the guy who is literally shoving a sandwich into his face at the same time.
Am I being harsh on Phys Ed? I don’t think I’m being harsh enough. Phys Ed is a useless discipline with an outdated modality which does nothing to impart actual life skills.
I could write a whole essay on why I think the whole thing should be abolished. I probably will. What a waste of time. To hell with it.
I had to unlearn everything they taught. You might need to as well. But the long and short of it is not to let Mr. DiNoffarterio who hasn’t seen his junk since 1987 get in the way of your life goals. He won’t be there—believe me.
The gym is not some awful 1980s Teen Comedy Movie” hellscape…
Guess which of the following are the most often heard quotes at the gym:
“Dude do you even lift?”
“Brahhhh, go heavy or don’t go at all.”
“Hey girl, do you want to fondle my tricep?”
“Get out of my way weakling, I want to lift a car over my head.”
Did you make a guess? <bzzzz> It’s a trick question. And I would love to see some moron try number 4.
In reality, the most oft-repeated things I hear at the gym:
Excuse me…
Pardon me…
Can I help you with <whatever>?
I think people get this stupid image in their head where men who resemble sides of beef dominate the scene. Those of us lesser peons relinquish our benches or equipment to the stronger or deal with the same bullshit we dealt with in 8th grade.
From my experience, the gym is one of the most polite places to which I go on a regular basis. People are focused on their own routine and goals. And when I’m there early in the morning, people keep to themselves. The people who are more outgoing are genuinely friendly and want to help.
Just like many other places in life, the great news is that NOBODY CARES. It’s difficult to ignore someone doing something monumentally stupid. But, for the most part, we’re all in our own zones.
…but what if the villain from “Better Off Dead” shows up?
Kindness and politeness is the rule. Jerks, assholes, and douchebags are the exception. I’m not saying they don’t exist. But I’ve belonged to at least eight gyms now and I’ve never encountered anything ridiculous.
But if someone is a jerk, don’t put up with anyone’s crap. If some ’roided up jerkwad says or does something rude, go to the front desk and complain. Do the rest of your gym members a favor. None of us like that guy. You are a paying customer of an establishment and being treated lesser-than by an ass hat isn’t part of the price of admission. Example: This asshole who kicked the weight out of a kid’s hand while deadlifting was ejected from the gym—and charged by the police.
They make threats afterward? Bring the authorities into it. This isn’t middle school where jocks get to rule the roost. That football “star” who was a jerk to everyone at high school who’s now washed up? Well, clichés exist for a reason.
Sex pests get eliminated.
An obnoxious Dude Brah who says something rude may be tripping from his pre-workout. But sex pests are sex pests and they need to be yeeted out the door head-first post-haste.
It happened to me. Years ago, some weirdo got a bit too handsy in the hot tub. He came close to me and grabbed my left inner thigh. I started violently yelling at him to GTFO. I was about to get a bit too handsy with my fist in his face. After I got dressed, the first thing I did was go to the front desk and read the poor girl there The Riot Act®. I told them that I pay way too much to be felt up in the locker room. The guy’s membership was revoked and I never saw him again. Good riddance.
No one should put up with unwanted sexual attention. Don’t put up with it at the gym.
But what do I do when I get there?
So I’ve convinced you. Hurray! So, now what?
Do some research beforehand.
If you want to check out a gym, most major chains offer a free try-out period. Take advantage of it. You want to be sure that you’re comfortable there. Don’t sign a contract until you know you’ll want to go.
If you’re looking for routines and the like, there are so many options. I don’t know what you’re looking to do. And, as I’ve mentioned, I am not a physical trainer. I mentioned Nerd Fitness in a previous post; I find their approach to be extremely personable and charming. Give them a look.
Okay, let’s say you’re at the gym. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Look around without being creepy.
Walk around the place as if you know what you’re doing even if you don’t. See what people are doing. Notice where all the stuff is. Familiarize yourself with the facility. Take some internal notes on things you might want to try. Try not to stare at butts. Don’t be like the guy in the hot tub.
Do Cardio.
Most of us know how to walk, or climb stairs, or ride a bike—even if we’ve fallen during all three activities. Doing cardio can give an immediate feeling of accomplishment before you get into developing a routine.
Personally, I think stationary bikes are the best first exercise for a gym newbie. It’s very difficult to fall off the thing. You can make it look like you’re going hard in the paint even if you’re not. And the endorphin rush afterward will make you fell wonderful.
If you lift anything, LIFT LIGHT
This is a rough one for many men. You see a machine, you put up what you think should be normal, you do the exercise. BOOM! Look how virile and awesome I am!
The next day, you can’t move your arms and you contemplate voluntary amputation.
If you start any exercise routine, go extremely light at the beginning. And that goes double if you’re a desk jockey like me.
Start with the lightest weights in the dumbbell rack. If it’s the first time and you don’t have a physically strenuous job, YOU WILL BE SORE. However, the soreness will be “pleasant” soreness, that soreness you get when you’ve accomplished something.
Don’t be afraid of being judged for going light. We’re all in our zones and no one will notice or even care. The likelihood that someone will be a dick is minimal. Again, we’re all adults here. Start small, build on that. You will never want to do something if you blow out your body in the first week.
+++
There is much more that can be said to convince you. I hope that it, at the very least, piques your interest. It’s truly my happy place. I’m looking forward to going tomorrow; I hope to see you there.